Jeff and Greg,

I miss you! I wanted to start my letter by just stating that simple fact. The rest is going to be a brief and direct account of what I saw happen over these past two months, followed by a list of things I need moving forward. I’m the only one who can speak to both of those, and I feel it’s important to add my voice to the conversation.

The past couple of months have been tough at times, but they have been magical too. I’m starting to truly feel like I live in D.C. Our daily rhythms are gelling. We have our favorite neighborhood spots, a friend who lives down the hall, and a growing circle of people who are helping show us what it is like to live in this specific time and place (especially as gay men).

Tim is starting grad school at the end of February. I’m starting the next set of wine classes in the spring. The seeds we planted are starting to sprout, and I’m excited about that.

Things have also been tremendously stressful. After our dinner at Zaytinya and those first communications that Tim and I sent, we agonized for weeks about our friendship with you two. Each night, we would dissect and analyze what was becoming more and more clear–that there were a number of toxic dynamics at play just beneath the surface. I’m not exaggerating when I say that we did this every evening for weeks on end. It was agonizing.

I felt torn from the very start. I recognized those toxic dynamics and the need to change them. I recognized the need for us to work through them together as a couple first so that we could get on the same page and avoid conflict between ourselves. I also recognized the emotional burden all of this was having on the two of you, some of the closest friends I’ve had in my life.

But I feel now that Tim and I are firmly in sync and that we understand a lot more about the underlying issues that caused this rift. In order to heal and move forward, I want to name those issues. Again, I can only speak to my perception. I will be specific, but I do not intend to point fingers or cast blame.

Tim has trouble managing his vulnerability. There are rational reasons for this. He has experienced multiple tectonic shifts in his family, job, friends–everything. Over time, his relationships started to focus more and more on fixing that trauma, but things weren’t necessarily getting better. I also started to see Tim becoming more and more dependent on Greg specifically as a person to hold that trauma and play a role that I feel was inappropriate in its level of vulnerability and emotional dependence.

This was especially hard for me because he admitted to me previously (and this was after we had the no sex conversation at that pizza place) that he still had romantic feelings toward Greg, which hurt me a great deal. This was something I knew from the first time we met, and it caused fear and an anxiety that I held and frankly still hold. I do not want a poly relationship, and it was starting to feel that way.

Tim’s (and to an extent, Greg’s) trauma took center stage. I can’t remember a party in the last year that wasn’t marked by a pow-wow in hushed tones. In October I was there, sitting on my couch in a singlet, face paint smeared all over, and I look over and Tim and Greg are talking about Matthew Shepard. It was just too much, and I felt angry, dejected, confused.

I honestly can’t say what we should do at this juncture, but what I can do is articulate what I need.

I need friendships that rejuvenate me.

I need for trauma to not take priority in my marriage and friendships.

I need friendships that don’t feel too big to fail or threaten my mental health.

I need to know that my boundaries will be respected.

I need balance.

I care so deeply about you two. I hope we can change these patterns and find a new, healthier way to relate to each other. I hope that, if we need it, we can find help from a broad network of friends, family, therapists, etc. I won’t be held responsible for anyone else’s mental health, and I won’t hold any of you responsible for mine.

I look forward to hearing from you two, and I hope you receive this letter in peace and health.

I love you guys.

Kevin