I used to put a lot of importance on being visible in my gayness up through my late twenties. I thought gay liberation meant the ability to be candid about the homosexual experience while walking around in hetero-public.

It wasn’t until my thirties and after getting married that I understood that privacy is the real manifestation of power. I realized that by being visible to someone from the point of introduction, I was giving away a lot of my ability to socially maneuver in ways that allowed me to get what I wanted.

In most situations I’m out, but I only ever reveal enough personal information to give myself the most amount of agency possible. A person must be vetted before they can know anything substantial.

I try not to give any further power to the gatekeepers of the things I’m working toward.

I’m not really out of the closet at my job site, but I’m not really bent out of shape over it. I need clear separation between my work life and social life anyway, and I don’t intend to be with this client forever.

My coworkers see my wedding ring and they don’t particularly ask questions about who I’m married to. I don’t ever lie. But they probably make assumptions about the gender of my spouse, and I do not feel the need to correct them.

I think that that right to privacy is the real victory we won in the legalization of gay marriage. Marriage is a complete privatization of my personal life to everyone but my husband. What other people can’t see, they can’t judge, sabotage or feel they have the right to punish me for.

I have clear sense of what I want and where I’m going, and I stay true to that. I don’t feel compelled to come out as much I eventually feel compelled to let people in.

Because I refuse to let anyone stand in my way, for any reason

~especially~ some mediocre straight man who believes “my lifestyle” is something that requires his permission or agreement for some reason.