Hey Barrett,

I have been tossing and turning all night over the conversation we had in the family group yesterday —

One thing I keep hitting up against is the presence of colonial identities in the family, myself included.

The primary purpose of my chosen family, or that Facebook group rather, is to help me manage my PTSD. It gets debilitating at times, and now that work and school are both firing at the same time, I find myself struggling.

I think I’m heading toward more disclosures of deep-seated pain and vulnerability over the coming weeks. I am worried about wrangling w those things in your view — solely for your being a straight man, nothing endemic to you, I promise.

It’s just that straight men are the source of my life traumas.

The readings you’ve sent me and posted on Facebook over the years have been revolutionary and life changing for me, and I will forever be grateful.

I was hoping, though, I could dim the footlights to you from that group at this juncture before I move on in the process. I’m not talking about unfriending you anything, but removing you from the group.

It is here I am feeling a structural component / newly formed right that I believe comes w this first generation of gay marriage – the right to privatize one’s family and the labor required to maintain it and be visible to it.

In doing so, I think it would do two amazing things in legitimizing my gay marriage and the queer family it contains.

– It would allow me / Kev to become the heads of our household by having us be the highest level of the American caste system represented in the group, to fracture the container of that label as the family sees fit.

– By your being a “head of household” of an external neighboring marriage, without deep insight into the workings of our home and family as the group provides, it equalizes the status of our marriage with yours and Emily’s.

We can absolutely talk more about my decision if you would like, because honestly, you are the friend-next-door that I’ve always wanted.

I would really like to keep you around — Let me know what you think, friend 🙂

TK