Tim Kuhn <tnkuhn@gmail.com>	4:05 PM (1 hour ago)
to Jeffry, Kevin, gregory.bailey

Guys,

You are perfectly justified in both of your angers. For the majority of last year, I was out of control. In reviewing many of my outbursts, I’ve come to realize I never had a leg to stand on. I was the one who didn’t know how to respect boundaries, because I had none of my own. And, conversely, I can’t blame people I felt were crossing my boundaries when I wasn’t publicly voicing any.

I had no right asking the things I asked y’all and Tony. I’m married to Kevin, and his sex life is the only one I have any authority making demands on. I will never again pursue that line of questioning with any of you.

I am finally capable and committed to respecting the borders of my marriage and the borders of yours.

We promise that you will have a platform to show us your valid anger, and we will take ownership for the ways we have wronged you. You deserved better from us — from me — in a lot of ways, and we did not (I did not) deliver. First, though, I need to get through my immediate trip to Denver — the first time seeing my parents and brother since our unfortunate parting in late 2017.

You were both the last of the last people to enter my old life. You didn’t see what came first. Outside of Kev, my mom and my older brother were the sun and the moon to me, the reason I woke up every day. Throughout the entirety of my life, they were my everything.

In grieving their absence, I took down three of my best friends with me. For this group to work again, I have to disentangle you from that experience. I brought my dynamic with my parents and brother into our group structure — I was the deeply toxic one.

I specifically owe Jeff an apology for putting him in awkward positions, again and again. I promise — nevermore. I’m not so co-dependent as I once was, enmeshing myself too deeply into the social milieux I’m a part of, and I’ve resolved my out-of-bounds feelings toward Greg.

Greg, thank you for helping me face some hard things.

But I have changed.

I am a former child now trying to relate to his kin as an adult.

You are not the Kuhns, and it was unfair of me to expect that you could be.

That is what made me unwieldy.

*Simply put, my anger was mourning.*

You’re Greg and Jeff, and that’s all you ever needed to be. I am so sorry that I lost sight of that, and I’m even sorrier I wasn’t able to manage my own baggage.

I’ve finally created a dynamic and procedural support system to manage my historical or ongoing relationship with biological family and general backstory with Maryland. My therapist calls my theoretical framework of “Marriage as a Nation-State with Three Branches of Emotional Governance” a doctoral dissertation … err, a Constitution, in of itself. Now that I’m deep into new work that I am truly excited about and with my tuition bill  paid in full for February, I’m ~finally~ capable of levity and fun. My stuff needs no more spotlight in this venue ever again, because I have a million other great things I can tell you about!

We can schedule a time to meet up in person, too, if you would still like. Just give us a bit after we get home from Denver and have a second to process the experience— Colorado is going to be a trip, because, despite everything, my dad still supports the borderwall.

Us boys from Trump country sure do have a thing for walls, it seems.

Anyway, no more long essays, for real this time — Well, after this one 😛

Thanks for being the strong nimble threads to surround my wrangling patches.

(See the attachment.)

We’ll talk soon, friends.

Love you both,

Tim

PS. If you only check out one of the links, fully listen to the apology podcast in the “taking ownership” link above. That’s the direction where we’re headed.
*****My Wedding Vows to Kevin Paul      I used to regard my capacity to love as my inherent flaw, the reason I’d always be less than, the thing always talked around but never actually named. It was the reason I could never picture the man I’d become; the lives I might lead; let alone the person I might spend my life with. I kept my being gay so hidden in shadows and was so ashamed of it that I never intended to stick around long enough to find any of the answers to those questions. I never even let myself dream about them.
     But then I met you, Kev.     You showed me the gentle warmth and enduring exhilaration of loving someone so completely as I love you today. The daily experience of being your partner and best friend for these past 8 years has taught me to love myself and to accept who I am. Without that, I don’t think I could’ve ever found a community as supportive as the one that is here today, all unequivocally happy to see me stand across from you today.You are the reason for all of it, and it has made all the difference. I don’t think I’ve ever thanked you for that.     So thank you.     During the course of our marriage, I promise to always listen, to hear your hopes and dreams and to help you draw the map you need to get to them. I promise be the first person throwing confetti after each one of your successes, and I promise be the arm around your shoulder during each setback.     I promise to be there during the walks along the banks of the Seine River and the backpacking trips across the Yucatan, just like I promise to be there during every flu we’ll get, through the layoffs we might see, and the check-engine lights that surprise us at the worst possible times.     I promise to continue this beautiful partnership where I do the dishes after you cook the meal and you fold the laundry after I wash the clothes — that every burden big and small will be faced together.     I promise to be accountable to you in every decision I make and that I will own my every mistake and bad judgment, so that we live a relationship based on mutual respect and truth.     But most importantly and, honestly, the most difficult, Kev, I promise to tie my liberation to yours. I promise that no matter the historical moment we find ourselves in, we will always walk hand in hand down that street with both grace and dignity. I promise you that no part of my love for you will ever be hidden in the shame and shadows I once knew, that we will only ever stand together, proudly, in the daylight.