I agree! The practice of public naming, too, is a principal definition for me in understanding queer family. A family should be a self-chosen social container and community that serves as one’s primary repository for vulnerability in a world where it is dangerous being vulnerable. 

Routine conversation about anxieties develops a common language and understanding that allows people to bring daylight to each other’s problems. Once visible, once given air, usually those problems shrivel — maybe due to a strategizing conversation discussing how to over come the issue; maybe allowing someone to know their problem is commonplace.

A prolonged history of these conversations allows continued familiarity with other people’s greatest anxieties, meaning that as time goes on, there is less lead time required in getting people up to speed on any given situation.

Family as a support system judged on its utility and efficacy rather than a social hierarchy based on grudging obligation. The borders of a chosen family are the edges where personal truth is muted by demanded cultural falsehoods.