Hey Liz,

This is definitely not urgent. Take ~as much~ time as you need to respond.

I’ve been thinking really deeply about that moment of being seen with Becca, you and my guys last week.

She and I had a moment that night when she pondered out loud what the men in her life said when she wasn’t in the room. I turned to her and said, “That’s exactly the root of all my stuff.” I told her what our shared men said when she wasn’t in the room, and she said, “Yes, that sounds exactly like what those specific men would’ve said when I wasn’t there. I believe you.”

It was then that I realized women have always been safety for me. Men, straight and gay, simply are better people in the presence of women.

Becca protected me from daily brutalizations. Your writings on Facebook and elsewhere gave me a framework of life that allowed for gay dignity, but also inspired me to start writing myself. My friend Morgan was actually w me during my Frederick attack, was the one who took care of the situation for me when I was paralyzed by fear (Did I tell you that?). My mom gave me her car when my dad took mine in the move.

The list goes on and on.
Simply put, I would have been killed years ago if women did not keep me safe.

I’m starting to think that, actually, I need to center women in my understanding of family. Even though a lot of men (specifically my men) are really well intentioned, they simply are incapable of the labor of community and care that I’ve seen time and again come from y’all. Greg and Jeff are great sources of support when I ask for it. But, as evidenced by the Tony Conspiracy, they simply don’t think about me when I’m not in the room. When I stopped asking for help from Tony during my solitary-confinement silent job, they had a summer-long fling thinking I was just busy.

Greg and Tony existed in a social milieu completely devoid of the other gender, and they fucked things up terribly. Tony got so wrapped up in it, he forgot about me when I was literally and suddenly disappeared from society — But not one of the women did, no matter how long ago I was relevant to their daily lives.

I have been writing a lot about the role I envision women playing in my maturing concept of chosen family. I will not commit any of you to labor you do not consent to.

I was hoping you could read some of my writing on the topic and give me feedback. What is fair to ask for? What is effective or not? What do you need in return?

Lmk if I can send you some stuff!

Hope to hear from you soon, Liz, and that you have a great weekend!

TK

Sent from my iPhone