This is a text from Greg:

One of the things about myself of which I am most ashamed is the fact that I drink compulsively and excessively when I am alone. To the point of incapacitation. I do my best to hide this, but I can’t hide it from Jeffry and I know it hurts him terribly- not only to see me do that to myself, but also because of his own family history. I started drinking regularly when I was 13, and there have been times when I sat alone and drank more than a liter of hard alcohol a day for months and months at a time. Other drugs came and went, but alcohol was always there for me.

Recently, I have been trying to think through why I have such an attraction to inebriation, and to pay attention to what I am feeling when I think about buying myself a bottle. Though I am sure this is no great revelation, it has always felt like my primary method of escape from circumstances I cannot change. At first it was the airlessness of my family and my frustration with my sexuality; later it was the pressure of a dysfunctional relationship and the shame of extreme financial dependence; grief and guilt for Noah and Dan; the stress of an uncertain career. The need abated considerably during the past few years with Jeff after we moved to Baltimore- things had been ordered to my liking, and I felt confident in a way I hadn’t ever felt before.

During this past year, the habit has crept back, and without quite realizing it, became pretty bad this summer. My new job has been increasingly stressful, the commute has been wearing me down, and I’ve been feeling isolated from the friends we’ve made in Baltimore.

I have a tendency to focus on the negative aspects of my situation, and to feel that they are beyond my control, which contributes to the feedback loop of stress, drinking, and depression. Yet in an objective sense, I am now more fully in control of my life than ever before. I have been actively trying to re-focus on the positive aspects of my life and foster experiences that I find rewarding.

There is a second part to all this- During this past year, my dreams have become more and more terrifying. I have a vivid and realistic engagement with my dreams; the baroque violence and sadism they include are made all the worse by my awareness that they are of my own creation. I have been trying to reckon with my simultaneous fascination and horror with violence- much of which is tied up with my history of suicidal self-hatred, perceived lack of agency, and extremely unpleasant sexual experiences for which I have long felt myself responsible. I’ve been thinking through some of this history, and recognize that some of it was not my fault, and that my past feelings of powerlessness and worthlessness were also part of the feedback loop that fueled my solitary drinking.

Knowing you two and building a mutual trust has been a great gift. I am more comfortable in my own body and more aware of my own emotions than ever before. I’ve been able to talk to Jeff in ways that I couldn’t have before, and we are stronger for it.

The world is a cruel place, and we have all been hurt in our own ways. Thank you for giving me the space to be vulnerable.